Is this a subconscious way that I am satisfying my humiliation fetish?

I like people-watching and writing in public. Sometimes I can stare into space a bit. I do notice that I unintentionally make women uncomfortable. Later, I beat myself up for it and mull that moment as if I'm doing self-humiliation. I'm also getting a job as a cashier--am I secretly hoping that women will point me out as creepy and publicly humiliate me?