How do you deal with a toxic mother?

I try to keep my distance but she has picked up on the fact that im doing that but what else am i supposed to do? this woman triggers my anxiety and i never wanted to tell her that but she really pushed me over the edge today i told her i do not wanna talk to her when she's drinking (she's a sloppy drunk) she's very emotional over missing my dad which i get i mean they were together all my life pretty much and i never even said anything hateful i never told her you're a sloppy drunk believe me i wanted to but i never f*cking said that. She said I'm not drunk don't judge me. I told her all i said was i don't like you messaging me when you are drunk if i can't be honest with you and tell how i feel we can't have a relationship because everytime im honest you take it as an attack it just got really out of control and it ended with me telling her you can take a seat if you think you're gonna make me feel guilty because she does that! she's so manipulative.

Answers

Patricia

Don't feel guilty because you're not a criminal, and guilt is for criminals. Your mother needs to get her life together and stop bringing you into her adult problems... tell her that. Maybe she could consider therapy or AA if she needs to talk with someone about her fixation on your father.

Judy & Charlie

Oh! Oh! I just LOVE helping people deal with toxic relatives! First, I am sorry for the loss of your Dad but your mother's drinking is only making her unresolved grief WORSE and her ongoing clinical depression WORSE! You are correct to remind her that you WILL NOT TALK OR COMMUNICATE WITH HER IF SHE HAS BEEN DRINKING! Stick to it! If she's drunk, she gets disconnected. Either she learns to respect that this is your rule or she doesn't get near you. Stay true to this.....if she is sober, you can talk to her, if not, there is no communication. You can tell her this in person or write it to her in a letter (a letter is a constant hard copy and a reminder of the rules you have set). Next, lets get some support for YOU! Please go to your local library or on Amazon to get a copy of the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics". You will learn how to handle Mom with proven tips that work, really work. Lastly, Mom needs to do something to help herself.....you cannot do it for her and you shouldn't want to. You can tell her to look up the nearest chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book, phone them and ask where the next meeting is being held. She needs to start attending and working on her problem. You can look up a few inpatient alcohol and drug dependency hospitals that may take her as an inpatient. You can ask the hospital if they do interventions? But remember, the drinking and the whining and raging that comes with it is HER PROBLEM. When you protect yourself, you are doing what is mentally and emotionally healthy for yourself. Well done! I wish you and your Mom all the best.

Tide

Disown her and adopt a new mother.

Emily Rose: update

update: thank you @ Judy & Charlie for your condolences but i worded that wrong and now i see how it looks my dad is alive but they are divorced she wants him back but he does not wanna be with her. Thank you for the amazing though and sorry for the confusion!

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